New Alkaline Trio Video Confirms That Children are Made of Confetti

I have really missed Alkaline Trio, and the one video they released for "Help Me" off their last album was a bit disappointing. This one is not exactly the most amazing thing I've seen in the last year, but it's a pretty fun video, and it has kids slamming into each other and turning into puffs of confetti, so yeah, that's pretty...umm...what?

If I hear bedrock one more time someone will die.

We Are The World 25 for Haiti

WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?

The "new version" of "We Are The World" will probably generate tons of charitable contributions to relief in Haiti. Great. Awesome. I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem with is the sad pathetic excuse for a benefit recording. 

These big, star-studded songs aren't really about charity at all. They're mostly about rich, famous douchebags pretending to give a crap about poor people. By singing. Nothing heals the hearts of a country devastated by poverty, political corruption and natural disaster quite like an overblown pop song! And in this case it's even more of a passive-aggressive "fuck you" to the rest of the world. 

This time they didn't even write a new song. They covered a song written 25 years ago for USA for Africa! And they even had the stones to sample the original recording so Janet could sing with Michael (awwww). It's exactly what Elton John did when he re-recorded "Candle in the Wind" and tried to pretend it was about Princess Di.

And to add insult to injury a lot these "stars" are kind of second-rate. I'm not saying that these people haven't had hit songs, but the whole event has kind of an off-brand feel. Justin Bieber? are you kidding me? Pink? The Madden Twins from Good Charlotte? Where's Lady Gaga? Where's Jay-Z? Where's the guy from Kings of Leon? Half the list of artist involved reads like a run-down of the most bland and awful top-40 garbage of the past decade (Jason Mraz?  Katharine McPhee? Why are these people here?).

And then of course you have the other half of the list which is made up of singers that really bland, boring people (like your hyper-conservative aunt or hippie-burnout uncle) think are the biggest stars in music. Barbara Streisand, Celine Dion, The Members of Heart and Carlos Santana were all on hand.

Also Jeff Bridges and Vince Vaughan were somehow involved. It's like Quincy Jones chose the stars for this project by just flipping through an issue of Entertainment Weekly and randomly pointing at people.

I haven't gotten to the performances. And GOOD GOD,are they something else! There's so much auto-tune going on there's almost no point in figuring out which terrible RnB or rap "artist" is singing. The more "rock" vocals don't fare much better, as they are all either ridiculously overwrought or pass by so quickly you'd be hard pressed to notice them.

In closing, all I can say is this is a travesty. The money generated for Haiti Relief is great (even though 40% of it will go to administrative costs, advertising and royalties once the relief effort has been completely abandoned.) but the song itself is a crime against humanity. And I don't use that term lightly (Okay, well I did use it when they left the pickle on my Bacon Deluxe at Wendy's the other night, but still...)! 

The least Quincy Jones and all these "big stars" could have done is come up with something original that at least makes it seem like they gave this some thought. Better yet, they all could have just skipped recording the song and written some checks to the Red Cross. But no, they have to let their left hand know what their right hand is doing. Can't pass up free publicity and a chance to look like you give a shit.

Just set up mobile posting. Sweet.

10 Hip Hop/Rap Songs I actually Like.

I haven't devoted any blog space for hip hop yet. It's not because I have anything against the genre. I went through that phase every (sub)urban white kid goes through were they think it's really cool to wear baggy pants and talk in fractured English. Though I've fortunately grown out of embarassing myself by calling girls "shawty", I still enjoy some Hip-Hop although it's not my first choice when I'm driving around listening to the radio. Still, it wouldn't be fair for me to ignore such a culturally relevant genre.
I also haven't done any lists yet, and people really love lists (judging by the popularity of blogs like 11Points and Topless Robot). So I now present the 10 hip-hop songs I actually like. (In order from least to most)

10. "Forever" by Drake featuring Li'l Wayne, Kanye West and Eminem.
See? You probably thought I would only go for older hip-hop songs (see www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com)
But this is a favorite of mine from 2009. It's pretty much a standard bragging song. I don't know much about Drake, but apparently he's Canadian (Something else white people like) and he got on the radio without a record label. Whatever. Not important, because this song is all about the guest rappers. I HATE Li'l Wayne. I find his music grating and insipid. But when he's a guest rapper, confined to a single verse, and ACTUALLY RAPPING, NOT AUTO-TUNING, he's not so bad. From there it only gets better as Kanye West reminds us why we liked "College Dropout" in the first place. Then, of course Eminem caps it all off in a third verse at break-neck speed. I was starting to think Em had lost his edge, what with the Mariah Carey feud and all, but he's in top form here. Wait? Rappers actually rapping again? Did I travel back in time to 2002?

9."Izzo (HOVA)" by Jay Z
Sure, the hook is kind of ridiculous and these days you'd look like a huge jackass running around going "H to the Izz O". But it's still got a great beat and showcases Jay Z's pop sensibility and his lyrical brilliance. This song is still cool, even after being quoted by Good Charlotte.

8."Keep Their Heads Ringing" by Dr. Dre
This song scared the crap out of me when I was about 10. It has that element of danger that so much of modern hip-hop is missing. When you were 10 years old, hanging out in the heavily ethnic suburbs and a low-riding cadillac drove by, you about pissed yourself, especially if they were playing "Keep Their Heads Ringing".
Now that I'm older and realize not everyone who listens to Gangsta Rap is trying to bust a cap in my ass, I can really enjoy the song for what it is. A masterpiece.

7."The Next Episode" by Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg
Dre will reappear again in the top 5, as he has become one of my favorite Hip-Hop artists. His production on this track is just beautiful. Everything flows so perfectly, and Snoop Dogg is the epitome of West-Coast cool. These guys really need to team up again, because D-O-Double-G has kind of fallen off the bad ass bandwagon.

6."Hypnotize" by Biggie Smalls
This beats out the previous two entries simply by having such an aggressively funky bass line. Biggie's marble-mouthed, yet rhythmically deft delivery has yet to be matched by modern rappers. If there's such a thing as classic hip-hop, this gets my vote as a golden oldie.

5."Let Me Blow Ya Mind" by Eve featuring Gwen Stefani.
When this funky, minimalist hit first surfaced, Rappers and pop-stars collaborating was practically unheard of. Especially if both were female, and especially when the girl singing the hook was formerly of new-wave/ska hitmakers No Doubt. Still, this was a hint of Stefani's future as a Top 40 staple. Eve is one of my favorite female rappers. She was less trashy than Li'l Kim or Foxxy Brown. But she had talent to beat the band. I don't know what she's up to these days, but hip-hop could use some strong female voices again (other than just Missy Elliot). Oh, and Dre produced it, so of course I love it.

4."The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem
This profane little diddy shot Eminem to superstar status. The hook is undeniable, even now that "all the other slim shady's" have packed up and gone back home. The lyrics are a bit dated now, but still hilariously offensive.

3."Clint Eastwood" by Gorillaz
Okay, this one leans more towards the alternative hip hop/indie side of things, but it's got enough rap verses to count. This was a truly bizarre hit song. Nothing about it suggests a top-40 hit. A burnt-out Brit-Pop star? Cartoon band avatars? A strange, almost off-key hook? An obscure rapper with an unusual name? How did this become such a big song? Oh yeah, it rocks. Del Tha Funky Homosapien's off-kilter verses managed to add an air of menace to the wonky, psychedelic vibe of this track. Without this song, there could never have been a "Hey Ya!" or a "Crazy". I'm not kidding.

2. "So Fresh, So Clean" by Outkast I had a tough time choosing my favorite Outkast song. There are plenty of good candidates, but this one still sticks out in my mind because it was the follow up single to their monumental hit "Miss Jackson". This song was more fun, and actually had a better hook, but was overshadowed by it's big brother track. Outkast would never be this united again, as the two artists who made up the group began to go in vastly different directions. Consider this a snapshot of the perfect moment in their meteoric career.

1."California Love" by 2Pac featuring Dr. Dre. I realize this is technically a 2Pac song, and no disrespect to his talent, but Dre made this a hit. The production, as always, is brilliant, and the near 8-minute running time of the album version is unheard of in hip-hop today. Dre's rapping is at it's laid-back, cocksure best, as he boasts about the joys of ruling the west coast like a king. 2Pac never sounded as fun-loving or as fierce as on this standout track. Add the talk-box hook, a "Thunderdome" inspired video and you've got yourself the greatest hip-hop song EVER.